Authentic versus Fake It Till You Make It

original hoto by Felix Russell-Saw on Unsplash [formatted via Canva]

There seems to be a big focus on authenticity lately. And I completely get that, to a point.

But I struggle because y'all, I fake it A LOT. 

I fake being friendly. I fake being comfortable with social situations.

Probably not well. I probably still come off super weird and awkward.

But if I didn't fake it, I wouldn't do it at all.

I try to be honest. I try to say "Yeah, this is uncomfortable for me." But if all I focused on was being authentic, if all I focused on was being "true to me," I wouldn't do shit.

I wouldn't be able to forgive my husband when he pissed me off, because my authentic reaction is "Fuck you, dude." I wouldn't have friends, because my authentic instinct is to go "Ugh, people."

I don't know how people balance authenticity with growth.

It seems like a lot of people can almost argue against staying the same because it is the "authentic" thing to do, and why would you be fake?

Well, because I'm an imperfect person. Because I don't want to be exactly who I am at this moment. 

I want to grow. And sometimes that means tamping down my instincts and acting the way I think is right- the way that falls in lines with my principles- instead of the way I want to act based on emotion.

I'm sure, like most things, there is a balance. But I don't hear it talked about. 

And I think focusing solely on authenticity can lead to harsh words, sarcasm, and a lack of self-control...because those things are easy, and those things are the instincts of many humans.

Honesty is good. But pure honesty, all the time?

No, that's not my goal.

What I feel isn't always best. It's important for me to give myself time to process those feelings, but it's also important to look past them.

Show Us Your Books Link-Up: August 2018

Best bloggy day of the month! Linking up per usual with Steph & Jana for Show Us Your Books. Been using the hell out of the library and loving it. On to the books!

The Marriage Pact by Michelle Richmond
I don't even really know how to talk about this book. It was talked about a lot, probably here on the SUYB link-up...and maybe that was part of the problem. It's bibliophile heresay, but I feel like this would have been a better movie than book. The pacing was just awkward. Also, Alice was somewhat of a manic-pixie-dream-girl in reverse which got annoying after a while.
A Tyranny of Petticoats, edited by Jessica Spotswood
This is my favorite book of the month! It is sooooo wonderful. It's a collection of short stories from different YA authors. Each story features a young-ish woman in America, starting around the time of the Revolution and going through the 1970s-ish. Time progresses as you go through the book, but the stories are completely different except they feature women and take place in America. It's such an interesting read and I highly recommend. 

Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
This was fun, a little cheesy in some parts. Similar in style to something like the Shopaholic or Gossip Girl series in the sense that it's centered around money and class. I thought the mentions of religion were an interesting addition. I'd read the rest of the series, but I'm not in a rush. And will probably see the movie. 

So Close to Being the Sh*t, Y’all Don’t Even Know by Retta
This will be a fun ready for anyone who is a fan of Retta, I love her from Parks & Rec and am trying to figure out how to see her new show Good Girls (not on Netflix or Prime, wtf?!). Didn't know she spent time in NC (Duke graduate) so that was fun. 

Christian fiction can often be super cheesy and bland to read. This one thankfully is not. I like that it addresses diversity, both within racial/cultural aspects and within the Christian faith (and the intersections of those). It also addresses family dynamics, including foster care/adoption, and sobriety and class and overall I am enjoying it. Will likely read the rest of the series.

What have you been reading lately? Link-up & let us know!

Life According to Steph

A Little Slice of Peace

Last night, I was slightly hungry before bed. My go-to for this situation is often chocolate milk. It's simple and cheap enough that I always have the ingredients (I use that term lightly) and just filling enough that I can go to sleep comfortably.

I didn't need a lot, though, so for my glass I used a small tumbler. This weekend the girls from my church small group had a girl's night, and did this Pinterest project for painting glasses. We talked and painted and baked and talked and ate pizza and cookies. It was a great night with female friends and it made me happy to use the glass.

Then I went to read in bed. I like reading relatively light-hearted books before bed, or re-reads where I can rest comfortably with foreknowledge. So I decided to start re-reading the Harry Potter series again.

I snapped a quick pic to send to my friends who I decorated the glass with, as a fun reminder of the night and to say thanks again.

When I went to post it...I smiled. This calm descended on me...or maybe it was already there. I was just so...peaceful. I was happy, and content, and I just felt good.

It's been a while since I could feel's been a while since I could feel it, and recognize it, without anxiety immediately making me think "Oh no this won't last," even as it slips away.

But this picture makes me feel it. It keeps that feeling deep in my soul, which has felt so weary over the past few years.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately, and I thought about apologizing or at least addressing that. But I'm feeling good, you guys. And I'm not apologizing for anything that is leading to me feeling good. This picture is proof that something is going right, and that I have a good life.

And maybe that sounds silly to some people. A nearly 30 year old woman drinking chocolate milk and reading Harry Potter isn't exactly cool or mature or setting the world on fire. But I wager that many people who struggle with anxiety or depression or just a bad fucking day will understand what an immeasurable blessing it is to feel peaceful in your soul.

 I stopped reading, stopped posting, and said a prayer of thanks.

I am thankful for peace, I am thankful for salvation, I am thankful for determination, I am thankful for hope, I am thankful for friends...I am thankful to be at a rest stop in life. Regardless of how small or how long it lasts, last night was a beautiful moment of peace.

Mid-Year Freak Out Tag

  Photo by John Weinhardt on Unsplash, edited with Canva

Totally borrowing this from Emily, who says it is a BookTube thing. In her words:

The Mid-Year Freakout Tag is an annual tradition in the "BookTube" world where people make videos to do a mid-year summary of what they've read so far. Basically, ending with everyone freaking out realizing that the year is half over and no one has read all of the books they intended to so far.

She credits the creators: 
Chami from ReadLikeWIldfire:
Ely from Earl Grey Books:

I'm actually ahead of my yearly goal- to be fair, my yearly goal is less than I read last year. I made it that way on purpose because this is the first year I am taking a class every semester. However...the questions looked fun so I'm doing this anyway. 

Best book you’ve read so far this year?
Ugh, best is such a hard term! Best, most culturally relevant would be The Hate U Give. Best as in, I became the most emotionally invested in, would be All the Ugly & Wonderful Things. But if it is overall enjoyment...I really liked The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. It also touched on a lot of cultural issues and surprised me and moved me.

Best sequel you've read so far this year?
Puddin' by Julie Murphy, I gushed about it a lot and have no intention to stop any time soon.

New release you haven't read yet, but want to?
Ok truth, I suck at keeping up with releases. Like, I never know what is coming out unless it's by an author I've already read and keep up with via Twitter or Goodreads. Sooo I'm cheating on this answer and saying Children of Blood & Bone by Toni Adeyemi - I only read half of it before I had to turn it back into the library, and I can't wait to finish.

Most anticipated release for the second half of the year?
What did I just say about being terrible at releases? Anyway, I've pre-ordered Hank Green's debut novel An Absolutely Remarkable Thing. I'm generally a fan of the Green brothers and feel good about giving money to people who seem to be nice and hard-working and value education and civil rights, so even if the book is only mediocre I can feel good about the purchase (although it sounds interesting & has been getting good reviews).

Biggest disappointment?
The Last Mrs. Parrish by Liv Constantine. It was all over the Show Us Your Books Link-Up but was just not for me.

Biggest surprise?
 When You Are Engulfed by Flames by David Sedaris. Not sure why I keep thinking I don't like Sedaris, when he is so fucking delightful!

Favorite new author (debut or new to you)?
Uuuuummmmm this is super hard, because I have read a lot of new-to-me authors this year. But going with Angie Thomas, who wrote The Hate U Give. I questioned a few things about the writing style when reading but upon reflection came to feel they were done very specifically and with good reason.

Newest fictional crush?
I just don't have an answer for this...

Newest favorite character?
Ugh, I'm trying really hard to pick a different book for each question but I'm going to say Callie from Puddin'. She has both terrible and wonderful traits, and is written to show all the different aspects that make up a of the best, multi-faceted characters I've read in a while.

Book that made you cry?
I honestly don't remember, although I probably have cried over one and it's just not coming to mind. But I'm going with one that gave me a lot of feelings, which is Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America by Linda Tirado. Because this should required reading in America, and I want to promote it whenever possible.

Book that made you happy?
A Tyranny of Petticoats, edited by Jessica Spotswood. This book was a delight from start to finish, I cannot recommend it enough!

Favorite book-to-film adaptation you saw this year?
Haven't seen any :)

Favorite video you have done so far in this year?
Not applicable, and I don't have a particular favorite blog post!

Most beautiful book you've bought/received read?
There are several beautiful covers that I've already shown, so I'm picking two other wonderful books I've enjoyed this year that also have gorgeous covers! Little Fires Everywhere with Celeste Ng and Truly Devious by Maureen Johnson


What books do you need to read by the end of the year?
One of Us is Lying by Karen M. McManus. There have been too many dang reviews, and partly I think it sounds super interesting and partly I just NEED TO KNOW what people are talking about!

The Case for Crying

Photo by Asdrubal luna on Unsplash

Pretty much exactly on my 13th birthday, I began crying all the time. That is a slight exaggeration...but just barely. 

I cried a lot over the next decade. Pretty much any time my dad used a stern tone with me (he wasn't abusive or anything, I just have several insecurity & hate disappointing people even slightly), the Cosby show, books, commercials...pretty much anything could set me off.

Somewhere around my mid-to-late 20s, I realized I wasn't crying as much. 

I still had the urge occasionally, but I just didn't have the time.

That sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Once I was out of college and working full-time, I didn't have the luxury of sitting around watching sad movies and crying for an hour. For some reason now when I start to cry, it's usually in the morning before work. And I loathe the idea of being the girl who stays out of work because of crying- how cliche would that be?

But the reality is- I should totally do that! Because when I was crying all the time, I had no anxiety.

It was so much easier to deal with an avalanche of feelings once a week than to have this ridiculous hum of anxiety sitting on my chest every day. 

To be fair, my late teens/early 20s had much more definitive emotional events. My husband's deployment and constant training, moving a lot, getting my degree, setting up a home and all those new "adult" decisions. We've been in our house for several years and have no real reason to job isn't fantastic and doesn't have a fast track, but I honestly like it. I had a baby, and we are trying to do foster care/adoption, but the first one has become fairly manageable and the second is a slow trick right now.  Again, it's not one big thing but bunch of slow little ones.

I am not sure if I can get back to that emotional binging, but I think I am going to try.

I wrote a super-sad and stress post the other day that is currently sitting in my drafts. Like, I was concerned about myself after reading it. But within a few hours, I felt immensely better. There was something about purging all that ickiness, even privately, that made it all seem more manageable.

I've mentioned that I getting more and more anxious over the past few years.

But I have still be avoiding admitting some of it to myself. I have been scared to face it head on in case I made it worse. But I'm starting to think that instead, that's what will make it more manageable.

Broken, and It's Okay

Photo by Jilbert Ebrahimi on Unsplash, edited with Canva

My church does a series ever summer called At The Movies. Each week a different popular film from the year is discussed and Christian themes drawn from it.

I haven't seen any of the movies this year, but I definitely want to see The Greatest Showman after watching a few clips.

I'm usually not a musical person, but this was fantastic. And the song This is Me in particular made me cry. Like...I may have definitely downloaded it and cried singing on the way home.

The movie is about the creation of a circus, and this song in particular is from the circus performers. At this point in the movie, they are mistreated and not taking it any more. The song begins:

I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

I'm still feeling anxious. My summer class seems to have been a trigger that kicked my anxiety from low-level to high-level. And I have not yet figured out the best ways to deal with it...other than sleeping, which is not always an option and definitely not always the best option.

And I get stressed about the fact that I am stressed...which is just a horrible thing.

But this song made me feel okay about it. This song made me realize that I can't care what people think- whether I should be anxious or shouldn't, how I should or shouldn't deal with it...who I should "admit" the truth too or who will only make it worse. The song made me realize that I am me, and I am enough, within myself, even when I am broken.

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

I'm thankful for reminders of how resilient the human spirit is, of how fickle society's approval is, of the value of self-love. 

I'm thankful for moments of hope. If that hope is only three minutes of a song...then I will hit replay until the words are truly written in my heart and mind and soul. 

Current Thoughts: July 2018

  • I am taking a summer class and holy balls IT'S SO STRESSFUL. I have a midterm, a paper, and a group project all due next week. It might be okay if it wasn't also my first online class in like 8 years...but it is. Cue all the stress in the world.
  • Babycakes is starting to show some independence! A few weeks ago we went to a birthday party and she spent more time in the Little Library with me than playing with the other kids. But we've been spending more time at the park and community events, and she is slowly starting to walk more than 2 feet away from me without saying "MOMMY! COME WITH ME!" Also I am so thankful for nicer, older kids who play with her. We spent an hour at the park the other day after a little girl immediately adopted Babycakes and "showed her" how all the park equipment worked and was generally adorable and kind. It's nice to be reminded that most of us start with kindness.
  • On the other hand, we've started potty training and it's um...going. Honestly better than I expected- she used to hate the potty but is slowly getting used to it. She rarely asks to go but we bought some special books that stay in the bathroom that she likes, Hubby plays her music to keep her on there...I am honestly not ready but trying to deal.

  • Still nothing on the foster care/adoption front :-/ Like, in a way it's good because hopefully that means kids are being taken care of. But also...I'm worried that our criteria is too narrow or something is somehow wrong with us (we've stated we can handle 1-2 kids, ages 0-6, mild disabilities at most although it's kind of varied between a bunch of different areas which is too lengthy to go into here). We had one call but there was communication issues and by the time we said yes, they had already found another foster family. Trying to have faith that it just wasn't meant to be and "our" child/ren will come into our family when it's meant to be. I know it's going to be so hard but the knowledge that a phone call could come in second or never means I have a low current of anxiety in the back of my head all the time. 
  • We had an awesome day at the beach with our church group, including a couple who moved away but came back to visit! They are truly awesome people, afterwards another couple commented "yeah we thought we had been romanticizing them but no, they are really cool" which is basically the exact conversation Hubs & I had. HOWEVER- during this amazing trip, I got sunburned. And it doesn't hurt, but it itches like crazy and I am loosing my mind. Slapping on as much coconut oil as I can and popping Benedryl. 
  • I am thinking of a blog overhaul...but I can't decide. Parts of me wants a new blog name too- but dude, I change blog names like every 3 years and it's starting to feel ridiculous. Thoughts?

    What's going on with you?

    Show Us Your Books Link-Up: July 2018

    Time for show us your books!  Maybe I will actually remember to link-up this month.

    This was one of set my mom grabbed randomly for me from my old local library. It was a decent romance/stereotypical chick-lit without being too cheesy. 

    This book was a fucking delight from start to finish. I reread Dumplin' last month and Murphy is still a fucking queen. Loved the characters, love the love/hate/both relationship between the characters. I want to list about 342243 other things I like but really just go read the damn book. It's wonderful. 

    This was one of Hubby's books that I grabbed off our bookshelf because I needed something new to read. Not sure why I always think I don't enjoy Sedaris- I have enjoyed his NPR appearances and this book was great! Maybe it's just that neither short stories or nonfiction are usually my jam. But, his dry oddball humor is so appealing to me and I relate a lot to some of the mental quirks he mentions. Highly recommend.

    Okay I had the worst timing with this book. It is SO GOOD so far, but I got it from the library right around the time my summer class started. And at 500+ pages...I just couldn't finish it before it was due. And because it's awesome and there is a long wait list, I can't renew it. I'm about halfway done and probably going to just suck it up and buy it. I can see being 100% all in on this series (expected publication for book #2 is sometime in 2019), and honestly I'm surprised it's not more popular! I haven't finished, but based solely on the first half of the book I highly recommend. Obviously things could go south, but I have high hopes.

    What have you been reading lately? 
    Link-up & let us know!
    Life According to Steph

    Getting Pissy at Celebreties for Politics

     Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

    Let's start out with saying I don't personally believe that celebrities should be role models, anyway. But that's technically a separate issue.

    But lately I've been mulling about why people get so mad about celebrities being political, and I think I have it. 

    The response is often "Their job is just to act/sing/play sports etc!!!"

    Which, okay, fine. Unless they are refusing to say their scripted lines or sing the songs they are being paid for, however, that has nothing to do with what they say into a microphone or camera (that we as society collectively shove in their face as a result of their profession).

    What people are essentially saying is, "THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A PERSON! They are not worthy of independent thought! Their sole function is to entertain me, and they have no worth outside of their ability to please me."

    Which is a scary as fuck thing to say.

    It does what people are doing all over the place in America, which is ascribing humanity based on something other than being a human.

    Whether it is a celebrity dripping in diamonds and expensive clothes on a red carpet or destitute immigrant illegally crossing a border, we do not have the right to strip another human being of the title "human." We just fucking don't.

    And if you want to sit there and preach at me that they did this bad thing- or, more and more lately, that they have the POTENTIAL to do this or that bad thing- look in the fucking mirror. Watch a fucking movie.

    The good guys and bad guys do the SAME SHIT. 

    Just on different teams. We may assign a higher morality to one side, but it's all humanity. And sometimes humanity is complete fucking garbage. But it's still humanity.

    America can very easily become equivalent to Nazi Germany or current day North Korea. Because all three countries consist, and have always consisted of, humans.

    Stick your fingers in your ears and sing "la la la la" all you want, but unless you step to be the absolute BEST of humanity, the worst can and easily will take over. 

    And it won't be because they are "just" anything. It will be because of carelessness and hunger for power and it will all be possible because we allow people to say that other people aren't people just like us. It will be because "us" and "ours" are better than "them" and "theirs." And the reality is, we aren't.

    And quick reminder to Christians- Jesus died for everyone. 

    He didn't come for a specific race or country or political administration. Literally the entire damn world. So remember when you claim someone deserves something, you are literally doing it to a child of God. Whether that PERSON has accepted that or not, GOD LOVES THEM and JESUS DIED FOR THEM. And if that doesn't mean something to you, your religion is not soul-deep.

    I'm not saying people who do bad things shouldn't be punished.

    I'm saying- they are bad people. They are not inhumane, they are not separate from us.

    They are simply the worst of what we could become, and ignoring that fact just gives them greater power and makes the best of humanity even more vulnerable.

    Add It To My List: June 2018

    • Julie Roberts
      • Always looking for females to add to my I Love Tomatoes playlist, so when I came across a Julie Roberts duo I made a note to go look her up. Turns out, she is NOT a new artist because I totally remember seeing her songs on CMT while at my grandparent's house, which would have been at least a decade ago. Still love her, and I don't understand why she isn't more popular.
    • Give a moment or two to the angry middle-aged woman
      •  Wonderful post by Jana at Jana Says about the current political climate, specifically as someone who is Jewish. 
    • EXPERTS ON EXPERT: Wendy Mogel
      •  An episode of Dax Shepard's podcast, Arm Chair Expert, with Dr. Mogel who is an author and child psychologist. The overall messages included chilling the hell out and lowering expectations for both children and ourselves as parents. She comments how people act like the normal curve has disappeared- aka, MOST OF US ARE AVERAGE by the very definition of average so stop grading our kids and ourselves, which really spoke to me. Also I appreciated how she talked about becoming more religious and putting more Jewish practices into motion after becoming a parent and the value in those traditions and part of why they have carried on for so long (I am Christian, no Jewish affiliations in any way, just for the record and the sake of non-appropriation but some things make sense cross-culturally and even Dax who is an outspoken atheist could relate and find value in the discussion).
    • Shutterfly Photobooks
      • I used Shutterfly to make our adoption photobook- we had to do a book that described our life/family/home/hobbies/etc. I loved it so much and kind of got addicted...I since ordered two more and started on a third. My new goal is do one of these every year. I used to scrapbook but...this is so much easier guys! I will say, I think the hard covers, Storytelling style, and lay flat pages are worth the extra money. Shutterfly totally gets ya by sending coupon codes often, but I really do think it's worth it. 
    • Z-Grip Ballpoint Retractable Pen
      • I'm the kind of person who has strong opinions on pens. Felt tip pens are my favorite for the way they write, but they bleed through regular notebook paper so easily which makes them not the best for taking notes for class. I like colors but hate gel. These pens are super smooth and don't seem to clot up on the tips as badly and the color is very consistent, if that makes sense. I tried Papermate InkJoys because people just raved about them in my Bullet Journal groups, but ink didn't flow well and different letters had different was just buggy. I wished these were thicker because I'm a freak who loves thickness in pens, but they're the best I've found so far. 
    • No Boundaries Tank Top
      • So I can't find a link to the exact product, but I got these awesome tank tops to work out in at Walmart. They are plan, polyester+spandex material which kind of sounds awful but is so much better than anything cotton when the heat index is 90+. They do cling a little, but I'd rather just hug the mum-tum than have something loose that falls while I'm doing mountain climbers or something. They cost like 3-4$ and for the price you can't beat them. They weren't with the workout gear but totally work anyway.

    What have you been loving lately?

    Contact Etiquette for Large Organizations

    I work at a fairly large organization, the kind that gets lots and lots of phone calls every day. I also used to work at a doctor's office where I also dealt with lots and lots of phone calls.

    I have learned that most people do not understand the optimal route for actually getting returned contact.

    Here's a few tips. Use them, or don't. But it would probably be beneficial to use them. And if it seems like most of them are common sense, it's because they are. Doesn't mean the world (and possibly you) doesn't need a reminder.

    1. Prepare. 
        • If you have a student ID, account number, error message code, etc- HAVE IT WRITTEN DOWN BEFORE YOU DIAL ANYTHING. You WILL be asked for this information. It is likely how they will identify your account and see what is really going on.  
        • Make sure you understand exactly what the problem is. Don't just see there is a problem and freak out and call the first number you can find/Google. This sets you up for disappointment and frustration.
        1.  Call the correct department.
            • Those main numbers with lots of options? They can feel like a waste. So does taking the time to actually read the email or statement to find what department you need. But you know what happens when you don't spend that little bit of time? You talk to a lot of people who don't know how to help you. You get mad, they get mad, and you are still going to get transferred. If you don't get transferred, you will be put on hold numerous times while they try to find someone who does know how to help you. At this point you are taking up valuable time from two different people. Meanwhile, the people who actually need the incorrect person you contacted are getting a busy signal or having to leave a voicemail. You're clogging the system, basically.
            1. Leave a voicemail. 
              • This may be one of the single most important things I can tell you. SO MANY PEOPLE call and complain "I've been calling all morning and no one has called me back." And then we look at the call log and yes, they have called 6 times in two hours. But they never left a message. No one is going to call you back without a detailed message saying who you are and WHY you are calling. 
            2. Shot-gunning clogs up the system.
              •  You call one office, don't get an answer, so you call another office. And another, and another. While you are doing this, 5 other people are doing it also. You know what that means? NO ONE IS AVAILABLE TO TALK TO YOU because they are talking to other people, who they probably aren't equipped to assist anyway (see previous point #2). 
              • Email seems harmless, but again it does the same thing. PersonWhoCanNotAssistYou must go find PersonWhoActuallyCanAssistYou, which wastes their time. SecondPersonWhoCanNotAssistYou also eventually goes to talk to PersonWhoActuallyCanAssistYou, so PersonWhoActuallyCanAssistYou can't assist the additional people who need them. Or, more likely, they have to go find PersonWhoCanActuallyAssistSomeoneElse to take care of the messages incorrectly left for them because other people did not follow points #1 & #2.
              • Call, and/or email, ONE person.
            3. YOU call for YOUR business.
              • Getting a parent or spouse or whoever to call for you almost certainly guarantees that you will either need multiple calls, either because they don't know all the needed information OR they don't have permission to actually do whatever you want done.

              Fake It Till You...Actually Are a Good Person?

               Photo by Asa Rodger on Unsplash

              A few weeks ago a friend from high school reached out to my husband. He and his fiance were moving to town and wanted help moving. I was supposed to go work out that night, so said "Cool, just please be done in time to pick up Babycakes from daycare since I can't." So, around 5ish. "No problem."

              Well, he messages me around the time to meet them that they are just now finished packing and heading this way- so the schedule will be about 3 hours off from what they originally stated.

              Y'all, I got super pissed. 

              Hubs reminded me that we have moved a LOT and it never goes smoothly. Which I complete agree with.

              BUT- I like to think I am the kind of person who wouldn't expect someone I barely talked to for 10 years to block out 2/3 of their day and provide physical labor without a deep gratitude and open communication.

              To be clear, they didn't even message him that they would be late. He saw them post on Facebook.

              This meant that he could pick up Babycakes but either take her to their house and hope the fiance could "baby-sit" while he helped move the heavy stuff or I could take Babycakes with me to workout. Now, I've done that before- but it's not great. If there is running, I basically can't, because toddlers have short legs and get distracted by everything.

              Also it meant I would have to feed her and bath her and miss out on the few hours a weekday I get to see my husband, which was an added energy expense I had not planned on.

              Hubs was all zen and it didn't bother him- but why would it? He didn't have to adjust the one fucking hour per week he gets to himself. 

              So, I was pissed. But I agreed because I do remember what it's like and it was the nice thing to do.

              That didn't stop me from having to complain a LOT about it first to work it out of my system, to which Hubs pointed out that I agreed to it so why was I acting like he was purposefully being a dick?

               And I had to ask, do you really have to have only good feelings about something for it to be a generous act? 

              Is "fake it till you make it" applicable in being a good person?

              Truthfully, I have been around people who did me "favors" but bitched about it and I really wished they just hadn't done the thing. But I wasn't bitching to these people- I was bitching to my husband, which IMO should be a safe space. I knew is was a good thing, but it didn't feel good right then. I had some incredibly selfish feelings that were partially related to the situation and partially related to a bunch of other internal shit.

               Is this hypocritical? How else do you do it? 

              Are there people out there who have literally zero issues putting others before themselves? 

              Because y'all, compared to most people I know, I complain way less. Like, I make it a point to avoid it or to avoid complaining about certain kinds of situations. But I also make it a point to go out of my way to express gratitude and respect people's time and that's what really pissed me off here. It was just expected that our day/night/who knows how long was infinitely available.

              I was over it by the time I finished my workout. Babycakes did fine during the workout. My group is super supportive and encouraging and always welcoming to kids. I was back to my happy place, and I was glad to have a husband who is willing to help others.

              But I would not have gotten there if I hadn't worked out that initial "Who the fuck do they think they are?" attitude. 

              So, what do you think? Is it the action or the attitude that matters? Or half & half? Can you be a good person and do nice things but still have to work out some shit, or am I just a terrible person?

              Current Thoughts: June 2018

              • How often are you supposed to apply lipstick? I really don't understand. It gets all over my coffee and water cups. I don't like wearing it out with my family because if I kiss Hubs or Babycakes it gets all over them. It feels silly to reapply mid-morning when no one is looking at me because I'm just sitting at my desk looking at a computer. I like wearing it, but not sure the proper amount.
              • Got a new diaper bag. Ain't even sorry- I used to love big purses, now I love diaper bags, obviously I'm a bag lady. I have very few vices, so I'm at peace with it. JuJuBe had a huge sale and I got a Be Right Back bookbag style bag for 60% off. It's GORGEOUS, I've already gotten so many compliments, and I love it. My BFF was great but it definitely felt stuffed to the max (tbf, I hate having to take things in/out of bags so I probably carry more than strictly necessary). I wanted just a touch more space so I could carry my BuJo or jackets in the winter or, if/when we get a foster child, an extra set of clothes/etc for multiple kids. It packs differently but I think I'm a fan- although  I've only had it about a week ;) 
              •  It appears my anxiety is reappearing. Not fully in the bad place yet, but the shadows are getting longer and closer. Hoping the fact that I am recognizing the warning signs is something positive?
              • Vitamins work! Gave blood & my iron was great, while it's usually just on the border.

              What's up with you lately?