Getting Help for Anxiety & Depression

Hello, everyone.

I finally admitted that I officially have anxiety and depression.

Y'all probably knew that. I should have known that.

I was every fucking cliche in the book, guys. I know it all. I am a classic caretaker...I know the importance of "putting on your own oxygen mask first." Literally all of it. But it didn't help. I still thought I wasn't allowed to fail and I still thought the world would end if I didn't take care of EVERYTHING in exactly the right way. 

Anyway.

I called my OBGYN because all this started after having my baby. They said no, and to call my PCP. My PCP is in surgery all week so he couldn't see me, and I guess the PA isn't authorized to deal with anxiety meds? I usually see her anyway but basically that office wasn't an option so they told me to call my OBGYN.

Yay, American healthcare system, as I cried on the phone to two different receptionists at my desk because both offices are only open during the hours I work.

To be clear...I am still fairly blessed/privileged/etc. I had the 30$ to put towards my co-pay and pharmacy medication. I had to wait only 3 days before being seen. There are many people in America, and other places, that do not have these things. So I realize that I am better off than many- but just as "not good enough" can occur way before "rock bottom," "better than" does not mean "good."

Anyway. I got an appointment at the OBGYN. I went. They reiterated multiple times that this was a PCP issue but still gave me some meds. Disappointing but fuck 'em. I needed help and they were the closest life raft.

I've read online that PPA/D can last for years...my OBGYN said it's not considered a PP issue after this long...people IRL said yeah it definitely is...I don't know guys. Call it whatever you want, it sucks.

The pharmacist said it will likely take 4-6 weeks for the medication to actually start working and get fully in my system. He stressed that some people see a "bump" in mood within a week, then calm down and kind of go "Oh it wasn't really that bad, not sure what the big deal was." And then they stop taking it...DON'T DO THIS! That is the point where it's started working and it's important to keep going.

While my anxiety is definitely less than it was*, I'm not sure if this is due to the medicine or other changes I have made in my life. Either way, I feel more "neutral" than good, kind of like I am coasting and slightly detached, but not necessarily an elevated mood so maybe I'm just not going to be one of the ones who sees a "bump;" or maybe this is what he was referring too and we just would use different words to describe it.

Less does not mean gone- it's been over a week and I still had a racing heart within the last 24 hours over something minor. Not as intense and it doesn't happen as often, but it's definitely still there at times.

I do feel like my sleep wasn't great the first few days on it...but my sleep hasn't been great anyway so I can't say the medicine made it any worse...also there was a hurricane and lots of stress around that so most people I know haven't been sleeping great...it's hard to tell. I've had 2 nights of good sleep in a row now so maybe my body is adjusting.

If I do decide to come off it in a few months, I need to do it slowly. A friend was taking the same medicine and stopped cold-turkey without talking to her healthcare provider, and she said it was miserable.

I also dropped my class. Now that I've admitted what is going on in my head, I feel like I need to just stop EVERYTHING in my life that isn't actually mandatory. It's turned into a landslide, and I don't believe that medicine alone is going to just magically fix everything. Just need a true, real break.

Also going to see about getting some counseling through my church. I don't know if my insurance would pay for anywhere...but I think just talking through some things and getting some stuff off my chest would be a huge help.

Anyway. That is the story of the start of my recovery. Again, I feel like it will take some time to truly deal with everything. But I've made a start. People have been wonderful and I'm getting support like I never imagined. I'm stepping back, trying to let go of some control, and being honest. It feels like a good first few steps. 

2 comments

  1. While I appreciate your gratitude and acknowledgement of blessings, this is my reminder that your struggles should not be discounted because they are "less" or "more" than the struggles of someone else. Your struggle is your struggle. That is ok.

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  2. Do you have any type of HSA account for health spending? MFD pays for his counselling through that. The healthcare system is not set up well to deal with these issues and it is a criminal shame.

    He did not have success with meds alone, and it also took years to get the right meds and he's had to adjust several times. Don't worry about going off them, you just started!

    I hope your church can help, they often do have things in place for this.

    If you need anything that I can do from afar, please let me know. I have lived with a partner that has anxiety and depression for many years, and while you don't know yet if yours is going to be sticking around, I am happy to share any resources we have found useful.

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