Feeling Depressed

I think I'm depressed today.

Or something. I don't know. I feel...off. Not just blah, but truly unwell. It feels like it hit kind of sudden, but thinking of it maybe it's been a slow build that just finally hit today when I realized I feel like bursting into tears at my desk for no discernible reason.

 It's to the point where I am thinking of going home early so I can hide in my bed for an hour or two. Maybe stop by for a pint of ice cream on the way too.

This is the first time in a few months I've felt this bad.

And no clue what sparked it. I'm not physically sick. The weather has been crap lately- cold and/or raining for weeks. I can't even count the memes about NC rain. Hank from Vlogbrothers was visiting his parents who live in NC and ended up talking about how wet it is. Babycakes yelled "It's not dark anymore" the one morning last week that we saw the sun rise, since every other day the clouds had obscured it.

Babycakes is with her grandparents, so Hubs and I had a wonderfully lazy weekend (he's been sick so we took it super easy).

I have an IUD so I rarely get periods, but I thought maybe I was having PMS symptoms...but this is further down than that.

I missed one day of taking my anti-anxiety meds over the weekend...so maybe this is a delayed crash? Although it feels drastic for that (and also, if that's it, then stopping them cold-turkey must truly be a fucking awful thing to do).

I've actually worked out more this week than normal, so my social and physical needs should be in a good place.

I'm at work. I'm being productive. I ate a decent amount for lunch, although smaller than normal. I'm drinking my water. I'm not a harm to myself or others.

There's no reason, I guess, is my point. There are possible triggers, but I'm not sure if they are actual triggers or if they feel like triggers because I'm already feeling down and therefore magnifying them (such as- discussing whether or not to have another kid some day, feeling like I want to potentially get a new job because I don't know that I have growth potential at my current one, reading Michelle Obama's book and feeling sad because of the differences in 44 & 45). All of these things have good sides, but they have bad, and I am not sure if those things are creating my mood or just existing along side it. Or maybe both.

The overall point is that I'm not feeling good, or even okay. I'm feeling shitty, guys.

And...I guess I'm writing about it because I don't really know what else to do. And I want to remember this in case it happens.

Becomes sometimes...it happens. For no discernable reason. And I'm sure a good day will happen again, and I won't know exactly why that occurs either. Such is the human brain, and heart, and spirit.


  1. I've been feeling the same lately. It's fine, I've accepted that we are one person in 2 bodies, lol. To the point though, that I looked up the current astrology stuff to see if maybe there was some ridiculous explanation for the way things had been going/I'd been feeling. I don't particularly believe in astrology, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Nothing really significant, which was kinda disappointing.

    For now, I'm just going to ride it out and hope for the best. But really, it's such an oppressive feeling, which is just so bleak and causes so much despair. So yeah, I feel you, I feel it. Shall we air-high-five suffering together?

  2. Living with someone with depression, it 100% just happens even when you're ticking every box. And it's great of you to write about it.