The 2020 Roller Coaster

 Some days, I feel bleak. I feel hopeless, and oh so tired. 

Seriously, my friends & I have agreed that sleep is a massive issue. We are all either not sleeping, not getting deep sleep, or sleeping a ton and still not feeling rested. And actually, a lot of us are bouncing between all of these things. 

And other days...I have this weird energy. This knowledge that I am living through a memorial time in history, and one day I will look back on this with a rueful laugh. And that implies a base internal hope that I will live, and society continues on.

Sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster and need to hang on for dear life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a boat in slightly rocky waters, and there's nothing to do but drink and grin and ride the waves. 

It's almost enjoyable.

And then I feel cripplingly guilt because I am feeling all this, and I am 100% in the minority of people who are experiencing much more drastic effects to their finances and health and social circles.

Shouldn't I be more respectful of what they are going through, and feel terrible? But also...I can't stand the thought of co-opting the grief of others just for the hell of it. 

Weirdly, talking to my co-workers (on the one day a week that I see them) and hearing all of them have the same feelings...it makes me feel better.

I am human. I feel all the things. 

I don't know what life is going to look like in the next six months, or a year, or ten years. 

I believe in the overall survival of humanity.

It doesn't make the suffering of individuals less important, but it helps me to release personal responsibility for everything. It gives me enough space to recover, breathe, and find little pockets of joy and hope and endurance to push myself forward and to assist my community.

It's the best I can do right now, and today I'm okay with that.

Six Months of Unprecidented Times

 Six months ago, I barely knew what COVID 19 was. I didn't own a face masks, much less a dozen of them. Neither did my kid. 

I had never teleworked. 

I hadn't spent months at home with my kid since my maternity leave.

I'd never heard of "social distancing."

I'd never heard of anti-racism. 

I had more faith in police.

My belief in the good of humanity was pretty consistent.

And that's just the cultural change.

When it comes to personal changes...

I didn't have a grandparent with a feeding tube. 

I didn't have a grandparent with diagnosed dementia. 

My husband had never had an argument with my dad. 

My MIL had never had health issues. 

We were a two dog family. 

We owned different vehicles. 

We had the original deck for our home. 

I wasn't on anxiety medication.

 We didn't know that there was a small line of mold growing under our house, causing a weak spot in our flooring. 

I felt passionately connected to my church. 

2020 has been a bitch. In so many ways. 

We are surviving. We have had moments of happiness. 

I have learned to love my family, I have learned to take sanctuary in my home. 

I have felt conviction of choice.

I've baked more than ever, with various levels of success.

I've spent more time outside than I have ever before.

I've been hopeful for humanity, and disappointed by it.

I've felt moved to action.

I've felt small.

I've drank much more than usual.  

I've went even further inward, because everything outside is simply too much.

I've wondered if this is self-care, or cowardice.

I am surviving. 

How will I look back on this year? In frustration? In resentment? Resigned? Angry? Grateful to be out of it? As a tipping point toward progress for our nation?

How will history judge us? 

Since March, I've been asking myself that. It's just too big. This year is too big to see clearly...as much as we try to pretend to do just that. But it's a tapestry. A tapestry whose first threads were chosen long ago, who have been weaved in and out in various designs yet finally met and became tangled together. Will we be able to untangle them? Will we create a new pattern? 

What do we owe each other? What do we owe ourselves?

Why did Daenerys  have to go full Targaryen?

These are questions I will be asking myself for a long time.