Blooming Where I'm Planted?

Photo by Lee 琴 on Unsplash

Ew, I know...what a cliche title.

 But I think...maybe...that is what I am doing.

I've struggled a lot in my life with finding my purpose.

My life hasn't exactly gone the way I planned it in the past 8 years.

From grad school to family planning, I've had to give up some dreams...or at least shift directions. 

And it's been a big struggle. I have felt like this detour means I'm a failure.

But really, the problem is just that- I'm treating it like a detour. I've been determined to get back to my original destination.

Lately though...I've kind of just stopped on the road I'm currently on. Instead of constantly looking for a sign that I'm heading towards the life I thought I wanted or was supposed to have...I'm taking in the sights of were I am.

And guys...I kind of love it. It's a little alarming to realize that all those things I thought I had to do were really the things I wanted to do. And the things I thought I wanted...were really things I felt like I was supposed to be doing...for some reason...that I can't figure out once I step back and really look.

One thing that has helped me a lot once I started reevaluating my life and trying to figure out what to change/keep was imaging myself as an old lady, and what I would want people to say at my funeral. That's probably super weird, but it's true.  And I don't want people to say "She got a bunch of degrees, she went on mission trips, she worked at XYZ for so many years,  etc."

What I want is for people to tell intimate stories about our personal interactions. I want to be the person who always had an open home and open arms. I want to be up for adventures and consistent in my character.

The alarming part is that I haven't realized how good I have it. The happy part of it is...I am where I need to be. Call it God working despite my mistakes, call it my subconscious, but it's nice to realize that I don't have to do a lot to be happy. I just have to appreciate where I am and what I'm doing.

Literally everything, from what I count as my hobbies to the shows I like to what I tell other people is worthwhile has all been pointing to this viewpoint, and I just...was too busy looking at other things and refusing to give up previous goals to see what I, as a thirty year old woman right now, wants and needs and values.

The final piece of this puzzle clicked for me one Sunday at church. Hubs & I started volunteering in the kids ministry again.

I always tend to gravitate towards the kids that are crying, even before I was a mom. I tend to "pick" a kid and end up with them attached to me for the whole service. Usually I end up in a rocking chair, with a kid or two on my lap, reading book after book after book. I felt bad about this for a long time- other volunteers would be playing with multiple kids at a time and I sometimes felt like I wasn't contributing enough.

But it hit me this past Sunday- I would love for these kids to one day say at my funeral, "She was so sweet, always willing to give us a hug and read a book when we were crying."

I love books. My favorite time of the freakin' day is bed time when I read to Babycakes. If I can stretch that out, if I can comfort kids and let parents have a little break to worship and serve and spend time with the Lord...that's e-freakin'-nough. That is a contribution, both large and small.

That is more than enough. That is enough for God, for people, and for me.

It may be a quiet life, it may be small life...but rivers cut paths no one could see coming. 

1 comment

  1. When I realized that the things I thought I had to have were things I wanted because someone else told me I had to have them... things shifted. I feel this.. and stopping to just be grateful is one of my favorite things.