Thoughts

Man, 2020 is not letting the eff up huh?

COVID is still there, but sometimes feels like it isn't. I've been pretty strict about wearing my mask, but completely forgot a few times. Finally had some time just me & Hubs, and truthfully those have been so rare since COVID that my mind backtracked a few months. Strolled right into those stores without a though. Have mixed feelings about this. Happy that things are getting back to normal...but then I come into a very empty office and talk to my boss about how we may not be back to fully normal operations until January- and realistically, depending on what happens during the colder months, maybe not even then. So it still feels...very surreal in so many ways.

And of course...what we are seeing everywhere...the aftermath of the George Floyd murder. Because it was murder. It was wrong.

It was also the tip of the iceberg. My city had a protests and additionally some property damage from those who decided to use the protests as a cover for destruction. We had threats to municipal buildings and officials. These have affected my family personally. It's also caused a lot of personal reflections.

I grew up with and maintained for far too long the idea that if I was just nice to people, that was all that could or should be asked of me. I ignored little racist comments and believed manipulated statistics. I have not been an ally to people of color, is what I'm saying. I wouldn't have called myself a racist (but surprisingly few people do)...but no one could have called me an anti-racist. Didn't even really know this term existed or what it meant until a week or so ago.

I'd like to become one. I'm not sure when I will be able to truly claim it. But I can claim- I am going to be a white ally. Being me, I'm working on specific and detailed goals that I can put into action to help ensure this actually happens. It's nothing drastic, and it's baby steps that I'm taking at the age of thirty. I can't change my complacency in the past; I'm working to not fall into it in the future.

On top of the general 2020 fuckery, family issues have popped up.

My grandparents have been in great shape for a long time, until they weren't. My grandma's memory has been going and is officially on a rapid decline. No specific diagnoses, but anyone who has experienced it knows what I mean. My grandpa had a stroke maybe 6 months ago and is not recovering. I can't even say not recovering well- it's been a near constant decline. I told my mom (not for the first time) to let me know what I can do. She told me to come spend more time with them...so I've gotta figure out how to do that. I am not sure exactly what I will be doing other than...being there. Which is probably going to be a little weird. I'd like to go on specific weekends so I can take Babycakes, because honestly kids are a great focus in these situations and she can get in as much time with them as possible. But...I also don't want to just take up my parent's house and time. Specifically my mom, who works in retail and can't always adjust her schedule and I don't want to cause more stress. Also slightly worried about my dad because I am pretty sure I heard him saying in the background that I should have already been making this a priority. I love my dad very much, but he sees the world one way and everyone who doesn't meet those expectations is wrong. He would never describe himself that way, I'm sure, but it's definitely how it feels to me...and honestly, it's part of what keeps me away. Again- I like complacency and I will often do nothing if the option of doing something is the least bit controversial...aka the opposite of my dad, who can best be described as brash. Each have their place, but rarely together. I have literally one goal- that is to help my mom, and do whatever causes her the least amount of stress during this time. We shall see what turns out to be.

Hubs has already said to do whatever I need, we'll make it happen. And I actually saw my boss for the first time in a long time yesterday, in person, and gave her a heads up that I may need to do some adjusting for a while. I'm already on a telework agreement due to COVID, and going into the office only 1 day a week, so it shouldn't be as a big of a deal as it would have pre-COVID. But she completely understood. I have said it before and I'm sure I will say it again- I LOVE my supervisors. The head of my department has made it very clear that family is a priority and always respects a need. Not saying she is a pushover- hardly. But she is a woman with a family, she respects hard work and juggling and knows it when she sees it. Also...she is dealing with some similar issues within her own family so she knows personally the exact toll and needs required.

In Stay Sexy and Don't Get Murdered, Kilgariff talks about her mother having Alzheimer's as being in the movie Jaws. You know the shark is coming for you, everyone on the beach is running away and no help is coming, you are flailing around and so tired..and the shark is still miles away. But it's coming, and you just keep flailing, and it's taking forever but never happening but you know it's coming for you. This feels accurate to my life right now. I told my boss this during our conversation, and she thought for a minute and then laughed. "That's so good. That is such a good way to put it!" Then we told each other "It just sucks and I'm sorry." Because, it does and we are. There's no escaping it. The Jaws music is slowly getting louder, in my ears and brain every second now, and who knows how long it will be playing.

Not to mention- do we wear masks? Are we going to make them sicker if we go? How do we make that decision?! And I don't know if Hubs is even "allowed" to leave the county, technically, due to his job as an essential worker...

The absurdity of the human condition. I started reading The Five and it sets up by describing the poverty and living conditions in London in the late 1800s. Disease- protests- poverty- family drama- looting...it is both hopeful and depressing to realize all these years later, for all our progress, we still have the same issues. To different degrees, and in different places, but humanity struggles on.

The absurdity of the human condition.

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