There Are No Good or Simple Answers in 2020

I wanted to write about COVID, because I haven't in a while. I haven't written anything in a while, actually. No here, not in my bullet journal- which for months was basically just a regular Dear Diary journal, because I had shit to keep up with.

But it's been over 4 months...a quarter of a year...and it's still a thing.

Personally, I am...okay. I am afloat, and okay. Not great, not as terrible as I was two weeks or a month ago. Maybe better than I will be in another two weeks or a month.

I am trying to take the long view, which I had a feeling would be needed in March and still is and will continue to be...for COVID and for systemic racism and for sexism and for all the ways things are shit, because it is better than it's been and every mile gets you there in a marathon, even if some are shamefully slow. I'm hopeful and cautious...tired and sometimes crying. Also going through the list of things that get me out of a funk, making myself take steps because even if it feels like treading water, that keeps me from drowning.

Like a shit ton of other people, I'm blaring Folklore by T. Swift. Used to think she was overrated, and now I'm pretty much committed to buying anything she puts out.

Side note- also checking out

Watching Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man, because Emmanuel Ocho is facilitating some amazing conversations. Subsequently realizing that literally every argument about the Black Lives Matter social justice issue has already been answered by Black people, and white people are just too damn stuck in their bubble to bother listening (including myself for the majority of my life).

I think what is so ridiculously fucking frustrating about 2020 is that...there are no good or simple answers.

And some people just refuse to face that truth.

There's no clear answers to COVID- yes, the news changes every day because we don't know shit about this virus.

That means there's no clear answers to how to interact with each other- nicer to stay in contact and refuse to let something invisible divide us? Or nicer to play it as safe as possible and not risk the health of those you love? Who gets to decide what amount of risk is acceptable...the sick grandparents or the healthy young adult who will survive physically, but know they potentially played Russian Roulette with a loved one...which is the most cruel, or the most loving? There is no good answer.

Of course kids should be in school, we have a system for a reason. But a wrench was thrown in the system, and it's not a simple as just pulling it out. Do we pivot, or do we bulldoze? Both come with consequences...there is no good answer.

Of course our country was built on one can deny that. How the hell you untangle those cords? Buy from black business owners (how do I find a "welcome garden flag" from a "black owned business" because Google has been confused...and how long do I have to try before I'm not racist for giving up and going to Amazon, even though yeah Bezos has too much money and by all accounts is a D-bag?) books by Black authors (every other book? How guilty should I feel reading a white author? Follow Black bookstagramers- what if they only post pics of books?!)...I deactivated my Facebook- am I socially required to join again so I can post about systematic racism and reach people I purposefully don't have on Insta? Or is it pointless because the only people bothering to watch those videos anyway are doing it due to confirmation bias and everyone else is just going to ignore in-person conversations because they assume I'm a left-wing liberal SJW idiot? Vote, even if we only get to do that a few times a year and the whole system is corrupt? All of the above, but also be sure to not burnout and be even less helpful to BIPOC? And yes this is some white fragility shit, but also...some people (white & Black) say there are steps and this is my step one.There are no...well, I don't want to say there are no good answers here, because some are obviously better than others even though none are perfect. There are no simple answers.

Essentially, I am Chidi all 2020.

Mostly, this one.


But also this one.


There are no good simple answers.

So let's do the best we can. Let's survive.

Let's work our lists, and take steps forward...or tread water...or run a marathon towards the few fundamental truths. Let's do one and then the other and mix up the order.

There are no good answers.

When I was dealing with some family drama recently, my husband said literally the only thing that could have made any sense. He said, "Do what you can live with."

Take in a all the information, but don't get overloaded with it. Make the best decision based on the information you have at any given moment.

That's what I'm trying to do, anyway.

There are no simple answers.

That means we are going to make some bad decisions, or at the very least...make some decisions that have bad consequences (again, one thing COVID has clearly demonstrated- no man is an island).

I know, that's part of the human condition. But I grew up with the idea that there is always a very clear right and wrong, and everyone who didn't clearly see it was a piece of shit.

That's wrong. It's taken me over thirty years to know that intellectually...and I still haven't internalized it fully.

But if there is anything 2020 has taught me, it's that I just gotta get on board with the idea that I'm going to fuck up. Probably a lot.

Doing nothing pisses people off. Doing the wrong thing pisses people off.

There are no good or simple answers.

Do what you can live with.


  1. There are no good or simple answers which has our brains circling and circling and examining from all angles, which is, of course, exhausting.