Things That Are Helping

Hello, world. 

It's been a rough few months, we all know that. Literally everyone I know is struggling. Anxiety, depression, general blah-ness...we're all under a bit of a cloud. And fucking rightly so- I don't say this as a diss on anyone. 

I've heard it said and it's worth repeating- we are living history. 2020 is literally going to be one for the fucking history books, and that takes a toll on people.

I recently read The Five, which TBH wasn't my favorite book but I can't stop thinking about it so it was a very timely read. It talked about the different victims of Jack the Ripper, but what really struck out to me was the culture of the time. There was a lot of discussion about class and poverty and alcoholism and morality policing...basically, it was just a big reminder that humanity always has struggles and frustrations and suffering is a part of the human experience. That doesn't make me feel better in myself, but just looking at all the shit humans as a whole have endured makes me feel like...there is hope. Even when I don't feel it, even when it feels like the shittiest Groundhog Day ever...humanity survives. We survive more shit than feels possible. 

Anyway. This is sounding more negative that I really meant to get. Weirdly, that last paragraph inspires me.

The human spirit is indomitable. And that pushes me to go through the motions. 

My husband has been on a...weight loss journey, I guess, is probably the most well-known term. But that doesn't really feel like it describes it. Life-change would be better, but ugh- doesn't that sound pretensious AF? Anyway. He's lost like 50 lbs in the past year. And his mantra has been "Discipline over motivation." Because he realized early on that while he had days that he was feeling good and really inspired, there were also days when he didn't want to put in the work. And it has been work. But, a year later, he's blown past his original goals and inspired lots of people. Not because he's been constantly motivated, but because he's consistently put in the work. 

The last few months have been a roller coaster, and my carefully balanced routine was pulled out from me. I've floundered a little and my mental health has suffered. 

Something I heard Dax Shepherd say a long time ago on his podcast, and something that I have seen in practice both in my lives and the lives around me, is the idea of a list of things to keep oneself on the right track. For Dax, it's in terms of addiction- he's been open about his participation in AA and sobriety, and he says when he is having a tough time or not feeling right that he has a list of actions he checks. Has he worked out, called a friend, etc. in the last X days. 

I haven't been working my list. 

But I'm coming back.

Things I'm doing that are helping:

Made myself a morning routine list. It's been real tough to adjust to working at home- first with Babycakes, now with her at back to daycare, then a co-worker had a family emergency so I took over some of her responsibilities...it's been a roller coaster. And more days than I care to admit, I've been in my PJs at noon and never "got around" to brushing my teeth until after lunch. I KNOW- it's gross. But the past two days I made myself a list, with time-blocks, and it's helped me feel somewhat more like a normal person. 

Reaching out to friends. I don't love doing this, it's hard over the phone, but again- everyone is struggling right now. Miscarriages, deaths in the family, general parenting woes...a lot of life is on pause, but a lot of shit keeps on coming. It hurts to see people hurt, but it also breaks down some walls of "I'm fine." Be real with your people. Whoever they are, family or friends or whoever. And be sure you are giving them space to be real with you.

Deactivated Facebook. I'm not going to say nothing good comes from social media- it does. But the bad was overwhelming the good for me. I personally find it easier to love people when I don't have access to every thought that enters into their head. Especially because you can "share" something with literally not even 2 seconds worth of thought. I don't think Facebook profiles always represent a whole, thoughtful picture of a person...but I also don't think they encourage thoughts. It's complicated, and it wasn't helping me.

Acknowledging what I can control and what I can't. This is hard...I have control issues, and guilt issues, and together those make it hard to chill the fuck out. We joke that my husband is the all-or-nothing personality, but lately I haven't been good at respecting "good enough." There is a huge social justice push right now to stop complicit silence, and demand...what feels like perfection. I get that. It's fair. But I've internalized it to a place that is not useful. I can't be 100% of everything all the time. So I'm working on realistically working on what I can do. There is a parable (story) in the Bible where Jesus talks about a farmer sowing seeds. Some seed never takes root; some takes root and grows but is choked up by weeds; some grows and is able to be harvested. All I can do is live by my morals and stick to my convictions. I cannot hand plant every single seed of everything in the garden of every person. And what I do probably won't be enough in some people's eyes, and it will be too much in other's. 

Be realistic about what I put myself through. After a lot of emotional turmoil, I recently went back on my anxiety medication. I had weaned off earlier this year and had not planned on returning so quickly. However...2020. It's been a motherfuck. And I was crying and talking to Hubs about how I wasn't sure if I should take it or not...and he made some great points, and said a lot of things I have said to him in the past. When I acknowledged through my tears that he was right- and he definitely was being fair and supportive and logical in a way that I couldn't be- he asked if it was frustrating for me to hear. He said when he was in his dark times, it was frustrating to hear me be logical. I wasn't frustrated. I was sad. I was sad that I had to be told what I already knew, sad that I was putting myself and my family through this...just sad because life is fucking sad. And right now, my life is hard and people I love are hurting and...life is sad. I've also made my first ever appointment for therapy. I've been considering it for a while because...while the medication has been an amazing thing that I'm so grateful for, I also want to do the mental work. I think realizing our mental patterns and coming up with defenses against those are very worthwhile and beneficial goals. 

Watching Say I Do. I used to cry all the time when I was younger. Around my mid-20s, I stopped. And I truly believe that somehow that repression is tied to my anxiety- because even while my husband in Iraq, in a literal war zone- I did not feel like I have felt during my anxiety periods. I think part of it deals with giving myself permission and time to feel my feelings. So, I watch cheesy shows to help me cry it out. Also, I fucking love seeing all these men being loving and respectful and in awe of their female partners (so far, it's been all straight couples). It's literally an anecdote to all the negativity currently abounding in the world. 


What has been getting you through lately?

1 comment

  1. I NEEDED the acknowledging and being realistic paragraphs. I'm 10 days late, but better late than never. :)

    ReplyDelete