Six Months of Unprecidented Times

 Six months ago, I barely knew what COVID 19 was. I didn't own a face masks, much less a dozen of them. Neither did my kid. 

I had never teleworked. 

I hadn't spent months at home with my kid since my maternity leave.

I'd never heard of "social distancing."

I'd never heard of anti-racism. 

I had more faith in police.

My belief in the good of humanity was pretty consistent.

And that's just the cultural change.

When it comes to personal changes...

I didn't have a grandparent with a feeding tube. 

I didn't have a grandparent with diagnosed dementia. 

My husband had never had an argument with my dad. 

My MIL had never had health issues. 

We were a two dog family. 

We owned different vehicles. 

We had the original deck for our home. 

I wasn't on anxiety medication.

 We didn't know that there was a small line of mold growing under our house, causing a weak spot in our flooring. 

I felt passionately connected to my church. 

2020 has been a bitch. In so many ways. 

We are surviving. We have had moments of happiness. 

I have learned to love my family, I have learned to take sanctuary in my home. 

I have felt conviction of choice.

I've baked more than ever, with various levels of success.

I've spent more time outside than I have ever before.

I've been hopeful for humanity, and disappointed by it.

I've felt moved to action.

I've felt small.

I've drank much more than usual.  

I've went even further inward, because everything outside is simply too much.

I've wondered if this is self-care, or cowardice.

I am surviving. 

How will I look back on this year? In frustration? In resentment? Resigned? Angry? Grateful to be out of it? As a tipping point toward progress for our nation?

How will history judge us? 

Since March, I've been asking myself that. It's just too big. This year is too big to see clearly...as much as we try to pretend to do just that. But it's a tapestry. A tapestry whose first threads were chosen long ago, who have been weaved in and out in various designs yet finally met and became tangled together. Will we be able to untangle them? Will we create a new pattern? 

What do we owe each other? What do we owe ourselves?

Why did Daenerys  have to go full Targaryen?

These are questions I will be asking myself for a long time.

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