The 2020 Roller Coaster

 Some days, I feel bleak. I feel hopeless, and oh so tired. 

Seriously, my friends & I have agreed that sleep is a massive issue. We are all either not sleeping, not getting deep sleep, or sleeping a ton and still not feeling rested. And actually, a lot of us are bouncing between all of these things. 

And other days...I have this weird energy. This knowledge that I am living through a memorial time in history, and one day I will look back on this with a rueful laugh. And that implies a base internal hope that I will live, and society continues on.

Sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster and need to hang on for dear life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a boat in slightly rocky waters, and there's nothing to do but drink and grin and ride the waves. 

It's almost enjoyable.

And then I feel cripplingly guilt because I am feeling all this, and I am 100% in the minority of people who are experiencing much more drastic effects to their finances and health and social circles.

Shouldn't I be more respectful of what they are going through, and feel terrible? But also...I can't stand the thought of co-opting the grief of others just for the hell of it. 

Weirdly, talking to my co-workers (on the one day a week that I see them) and hearing all of them have the same makes me feel better.

I am human. I feel all the things. 

I don't know what life is going to look like in the next six months, or a year, or ten years. 

I believe in the overall survival of humanity.

It doesn't make the suffering of individuals less important, but it helps me to release personal responsibility for everything. It gives me enough space to recover, breathe, and find little pockets of joy and hope and endurance to push myself forward and to assist my community.

It's the best I can do right now, and today I'm okay with that.

1 comment

  1. Yes this. I've struggled with the fact that I'm NOT struggling right now (other than mentally due to life changes), but not like, life-threatening struggles. My job is virtual, I've not missed a single paycheck, my health has remained well since I was sick in February (probably with the COVIDs IMO), there has been food on my table, there have been people in my life, I haven't went without seeing my normal circles, my schedule was minimally changed from my pre-COVID way of life. I am sympathetic for those who have struggled because of COVID, but feel that I have to take care of me right now, because I have NO IDEA what is going to happen in the future. I am trying to just ride the waves because holding on tighter only makes the impacts worse.